The Legend of Zelda: High in Hyrule
by rct
Summary: Link has started a drug-dealing business. Uh-oh. How far will it go? A bit of a parody of OoT.


Okay, this is a very controversial (thank you Jennifer, I'll never get that word out of my head) story, so don't read it if you are an anti-drug activist out to get people who write funny stories about fictional characters taking drugs.  
  
I dont own the Legend of Zelda, but if I did, it would be much better.  
  
Read if you dare...   
Oh, go on, don't be such a wimp.  
  
  
  
  
  
The Legend of Zelda: High in Hyrule  
  
by rct the deku nut  
  
Chapter 1  
  
  
Link was a very happy little child. He had lots of friends, a stash of marijuana, and Saria, his girlfriend.  
  
One day, ten-year-old Link and Saria were making out when Saria had an idea.  
  
"Link," she said, "do you think we could take our small drug-dealing business a bit further?"  
  
"I think that's a great idea, Saria!"  
  
And so it started.  
  
Drugs appeared all over the Kokiri Forest. Link would stand around the river and sell drugs to Mido, until finally Link convinced him to start getting the Kokiri shop involved.  
  
Little packets appeared in the shop with the name "Fairy Dust."  
  
Millions of Kokiri bought it!  
  
"Um, Link?" said Saria. "I don't think there's millions of Kokiri in the forest."  
  
"Yes, right!" said Link. "Whatever!"  
  
But anyway, Link and Saria were millionaires! They were living it up! They even bought 17 green limosines and a tree palace! And all the Kokiri were high! Okay, so maybe they weren't millionaires, but the Kokiri were still high!  
  
Until one day, a little fairy flew in Link's house and woke him up from his dream of riding his own personal high-speed jet plane.   
  
"Woohoo!" cried Link as he surfaced from his dream. "I'm flying, Saria, I'm fly- Hey! What the **** are you doing in my house?"  
  
"Link!" said the fairy. "Wake up you lazy boy! How could Hyrule's destiny lie in such a- oops, sorry, my mind was wandering. The Deku Tree wants you. Bad."  
  
"Fairy, that did NOT sound right," said Link.  
  
"Shut up, Link," said the fairy. "You're in it deep. If the Deku Tree didn't have his butt stuck in the ground he'd buy a machine gun and take you out. Oh, by the way, you can call me Navi."  
  
"Is that your real name?"  
  
"Maaaybe. Now shut up and get a move on."  
  
So Link grabbed his stash, just in case, and ran up the path to the Great Deku Tree. But Mido was blocking it.  
  
"Aha!" he croaked. "Link! I thought you'd be coming this way! I need some Dust, man! I lost all my money playing backgammon with the Know-It-All Brothers."  
  
"Geez, Mido! Go and steal somethin! I need to see the Deku Tree!"  
  
"No!" said Mido. "I won't let you pass until you give me some Dust!"  
  
"Aww, man," grumbled Link as he poured some of his stash into Mido's "tobacco" pouch.  
  
So Link strolled casually up to the Deku Tree.  
  
"Yo, plant head! Make this quick, I got a multi-million dollar franchise to run!" called Link.  
  
The Great Deku Tree rumbled. "HOW DARE THOU ADDRESS ME IN SUCH A MANNER! IF I HAD NO ROOTS I SHOULD RIP THY FRICKING HEAD OFF, THOU ******* ***HOLE!"  
  
"Geez, man, take it easy!" said Link.   
  
"TAKE IT EASY, THOU SAYETH? WHY SHOULD I TAKE EASY WHAT YOU HATH DONE TO MINE OWN FOREST! THOU HAST TURNED THE BEAUTIFUL KOKIRI INTO A HOWLING WASTELAND OF THEIVES AND DRUNKARDS AND DRUGGIES! AND NOW, REVENGE SHALL BE MINE OWN! WAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"  
  
"Oh, crap," said Link.   
  
The Deku Tree then said, "LINK... BOY WITHOUT A FAIRY..."  
  
"Actually," said Link, "I've got one now. Remember? Navi the Fairy? You sent her?"  
  
"****!" averred the Deku Tree. "AH, WELL. I HEREBY BANISH THEE TO HYRULE, NEVER TO ENTER THE BOUNDARIES OF THIS FOREST AGAIN!!"  
  
"Yes!" said Link. "Free!" But then he thought of Saria. "Oh well. I'm sure I'll meet a new girl or two."   
  
"BLOTTED OUT AND EVER BANISHED!!" cried the Deku Tree maniacally. "NOW LEAVE MY SIGHT INSTANTANIOUSLY!"  
  
So Link ran, and Navi followed. When he reached the bridge, he saw Saria waiting for him.  
  
"Hey, babe. I gotta go, the plant's banished me," Link told her.  
  
"But Link!" Saria cried. "What about our... business?"  
  
"Hmmm..." said Link. "Saria, you take care of it here in the forest, and... get me three thousand crates of Fairy Dust. We're going national."  
  
So Saria ran back into the forest to get the Dust, but not before tossing Link a purple potato.  
  
"What's this for, Saria?" called Link.   
  
"It's a high-tech communication device you can also play music on! If anyone asks you what it's for, tell them it's a musical intrument!"   
  
"Gotcha," said Link, and waited for Saria.  
  
She finally returned in a giant semi. "Got all three thousand of em, Link!" she called.  
  
"Great!" said Link. He helped Saria out of the truck and hopped in himself. He winked at Saria and headed out into Hyrule.   
  
But Navi, the evil little spy that she is, headed back into the forest to tell the Deku Tree. But, lo and behold, he had died of drug inhalation!  
  
"Goodbye... Great Deku Tree," said Navi, and started sobbing, dramatist she is.   
Then she perked up and decided to try some Fairy Dust.  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... MUAHAHAHAHA!  
  
  
  
  
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Heheheh... what do you think? I shall have the second chapter up in a ... while. Oh well. Review, and I'll tell Link to sell you some Fairy Dust, unless you don't take drugs, in which case I won't. Oh well. Review anyway! ^_~ 


End file.
